A 23-year delayed self-discovery
Two Fridays ago I took a step forward, towards femininty. I didn't actually realize it at the moment. I was wasting time and I had just received my paycheck so I figured, "Why not?". So for the low price of $35 I, for the first time in my life, had my nails done professionally. Now twice before this I had gotten French manicures on my natural nails. But that Friday was different. I got a full set of nails placed on my hands by a young Vietnamese gentleman named Cody at the local mall. As I mentioned, this event in itself was not a very big deal for me, just a way to spend time, do something different and make my hands look nice. It did feel a bit awkward and honestly, two weeks later, I'm still adjusting to the little pearl extensions on my nails. But I just went along with my normal life trying to accustom myself to the odd sensation.
The next day, a friend of mine and myself were at a meeting when she looked over at my new pretty hands, opened her eyes widely, and a gasp went out of her mouth. She stared at my fingers, and slowly reached for them, awe-struck. She said, "You got your nails done. They look so pretty". Then she began questioning me about how it all happened and what motivated me to do something so out of the ordinary. The next day at work, as I was restocking jewelry, the same look of disbelief overcame the face of my co-worker. She also, amazed, reached for my hands, congratulated me, and asked how it happened that I decided to take such a step. After the same events and reactions happened for the third time (it happened many times after as well), I began to wonder, "Am I really that unfeminine that this is reason for shock?". I started thinking about my habits. And my grooming. Also I analyzed my dress and composure. And the truth is that I'm not that girly. From there came questions like, What makes other girls so girly? And why am I not that way? So began a long self-analyzation process. The conclusion I have reached traces back to my childhood.
Since my most early days I felt free outside sweating and getting tired, preferably getting dirty as well. This is partly due to the fact that Igrew up with two older brothers and spent practically every afternoon in some type of sport or competition with them. Looking up to them and copying them, I came to associate feminism with weakness. I always felt I had to prove that I could do anything just as well as or better than any guy, whether it was scholastically or in sports or any activity really. I had grown up with the idea that a girl who wanted to be too feminine, must have to rely on it because she's lacking personalitiy, brains, or both. And I never tried to use my looks or attractiveness to get a guy; and that is an honest statement. However, now that my brains have turned to mush and I never cultivated any type of ladylike appeal, I've found that I have nothing to fall back on. Fake nails are nice, but they can only do so much. Either way, I guess one step forward is still one step forward.
The next day, a friend of mine and myself were at a meeting when she looked over at my new pretty hands, opened her eyes widely, and a gasp went out of her mouth. She stared at my fingers, and slowly reached for them, awe-struck. She said, "You got your nails done. They look so pretty". Then she began questioning me about how it all happened and what motivated me to do something so out of the ordinary. The next day at work, as I was restocking jewelry, the same look of disbelief overcame the face of my co-worker. She also, amazed, reached for my hands, congratulated me, and asked how it happened that I decided to take such a step. After the same events and reactions happened for the third time (it happened many times after as well), I began to wonder, "Am I really that unfeminine that this is reason for shock?". I started thinking about my habits. And my grooming. Also I analyzed my dress and composure. And the truth is that I'm not that girly. From there came questions like, What makes other girls so girly? And why am I not that way? So began a long self-analyzation process. The conclusion I have reached traces back to my childhood.
Since my most early days I felt free outside sweating and getting tired, preferably getting dirty as well. This is partly due to the fact that Igrew up with two older brothers and spent practically every afternoon in some type of sport or competition with them. Looking up to them and copying them, I came to associate feminism with weakness. I always felt I had to prove that I could do anything just as well as or better than any guy, whether it was scholastically or in sports or any activity really. I had grown up with the idea that a girl who wanted to be too feminine, must have to rely on it because she's lacking personalitiy, brains, or both. And I never tried to use my looks or attractiveness to get a guy; and that is an honest statement. However, now that my brains have turned to mush and I never cultivated any type of ladylike appeal, I've found that I have nothing to fall back on. Fake nails are nice, but they can only do so much. Either way, I guess one step forward is still one step forward.